Life Will Break You

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” Louise Erdrich

I have mentioned before that Amanda and I never discussed her death. We only focused on the excitement she had about what lay ahead of her. She was making big plans with every intention of living them.

There are pros and cons about not talking about dying. On the bright side, we all got to sit in a big comfortable chair of hope surrounded by the love of friends and family that we did not feel entitled to. We could have spent the entire time shrouded in the sadness of an impending death that was staring us in the face. I’m glad we chose the former.

Something I think about every now and then is whether or not we said all we wanted to say to each other before she died. A friend recently told me that actions are much more important than words. We never talked about her dying, but I think she knew by my actions that she was loved. Words would not have made a difference. Most likely, if I tried to use words I would have messed it up and then pissed her off. Glad we did not end on that note.

I know Amanda and I are good, but I wonder if there was something she wished she had said to the kids. I don’t think so. The actions she showed them about how to die with grace and courage and a smile on your face says more than any words could express.

I came across the quote above earlier this week, and I thought to myself, if Amanda did want to express some last minute advice to our kids this would have been a pretty good sentiment. At first it seems a little harsh, but you quickly see that it is filled with hope and a call to action. Hope that things will get better and a directive to embrace life and live it to the fullest.

I hate to tell you kids but life will break you again. There will be more tears to come over boyfriends and girlfriends that don’t work out, and jobs that are lost. There will also be more death, but don’t ever give up hope. Life is meant to be lived so jump in with both feet and experience as much of it as you can.

This quote also reminds me of Picasso’s painting “Guernica”. I was a terrible Spanish student and am not much of an art person, but I remember studying this painting in my high school Spanish class. The painting depicts the after math of the bombing of the Spanish city of Guernica that occurred during their civil war in the late 1930’s.

Picasso captured the atrocities of war. The anguish of a mother grieving the death of her child, the shock and confusion of people and animals as they endured the bombings and fires as well as the death of soldiers. The thing I always remember the most about this painting is the small flower sprouting up from the hand of the dead soldier. That flower represents the hope of a better tomorrow and the possibility of what we can build together.

Both this quote and this painting seemed to be calling to me this week as we continue moving through Lent and getting closer to Easter. They also seem to connect with the Ukrainian people who are suffering through the harsh realities of war, but Spring is in the air and there is always hope for a better day right around the corner.

Go Be Awesome!