Keep on the Sunny Side

“Once someone comes into my life, I can’t just let them slip away. I cannot accept that. People are too important. Once I care, I will always care. For friends, I will always be there. People in my past are part of my life, part of who I am, and I don’t want them to disappear. Keeping in touch is important to me… enough to let me know that although we don’t spend time together, we do share some of the same thoughts and memories.” – Sharon Johnson

The past two months have been some of the happiest and the hardest since Amanda passed. I felt like I had lost my voice and was not sure I would write any more, but after a Saturday morning bike ride I discovered that I still have something to say.

I have mentioned before how Amanda and I never spoke about her dying. I would not go back and change that approach for anything in the world. It allowed our last ten months together to be filled with a positive atmosphere that was priceless. The down side is that I am now left trying to navigate a whole new world without my best friend’s counsel.

A couple of weeks ago a friend told me that I am having to learn to trust my own voice. For 30 years I had Amanda by my side to talk over everything and reason through all of life’s dilemmas, and now I have to learn to listen to my own voice. At first, that made complete sense to me, but as I thought about it more I began to realize that was not 100% accurate.

For 30 years, Amanda and I, unknowingly, developed our own morals, principles, and values that morphed us individually into us as a couple. These morals, principles, and values can best be summed up as Big Love. This Big Love was enhanced and strengthened by the lessons we taught our kids on becoming good citizens of this world and we are so proud of what they have become and the choices they continue to make. I have also come to realize that Amanda’s voice is forever etched into my heart, and it is a strong voice. She is still by my side helping me navigate the new unknowns.

I think one of the greatest gifts Amanda gave me did not arrive until three or four months ago. She gave me a sense of peace. I know where I stand with her and this peace is allowing me to move forward in life with no doubts or regrets or worries about unsaid words. This peace is a reflection of the true love we had for one another, and it has even helped me find my smile again. Unfortunately, before I knew it, my smile had slipped through my fingers and was gone. That is okay. I know it is there inside me and it will come back when the time is right.

Recently some people warned me that I need to be cautious of others who might not have my best interests at heart. That some people might try to take advantage of my innocence, naivety, and good nature. At the same time, another friend told me that my innocence and resolution could probably move mountains. Two different outcomes on how I choose to live my life.

There is a certain innocence and naivety that gets lost when you hold your spouses hand as she looks death straight in the eye and tells him “not today bitch. I’ve still got more to do.” You then continue to watch your spouse cram ten years of life lessons into ten months before realizing she has taught us all she can and it is time to move on. You cannot go through that experience and come out on the other side the same person. There is not much innocence and naivety left in you after that experience. You can however choose to come out a better person and a stronger person.

I could easily have crawled into a hole, screamed at God, and found a number of different ways to numb my pain, but that is not the answer for me. Instead I have discovered that the only way to move forward is through gratitude. I choose every day to thank God for the blessings he has bestowed upon me. He gave me 30 incredible years with Amanda, amazing kids, and a strong group of family and friends to carry me through some dark days. I am luckier than I deserve to be.

I consciously choose to live a life of innocence and naivety because that is were I am happy, and because it is a reflection of the morals, values, and principles that Amanda and I lived by. It is how I live my Big Love. I am not taking the “high road” by any means. I am being 100% selfish because I have learned that seeing the best in people is what makes me happy.

If someone takes advantage of me because I choose to live naively that is okay. It will hurt, I will learn from it, and I will smile a little to myself and know that I am living the right life for me. I will value those instances because they will show me that the actions of how I choose to live my life are aligned with my intentions of how I want to live it. I cannot experience Big Love or give Big Love if I am cynical, judgmental, jaded, and always trying to figure out if someone has an alternative motive in mind. I will always choose to live innocently and naively, and I will always choose to live on the sunny side of life.

I will finish with three songs. 1) “Keep on the Sunny Side” – because we all get to choose what side of life we want to live on. 2) “I Believe in You” by Don Williams. Don is one of my all time favorites. His lyrics are so simple and pure that they are almost boring, but I also find they reflect all the things I strive for in life. You could almost say his songs are innocent. 3) “We Can Do Hard Things” – because I have learned that we can all do hard things. I hope these songs will help you think about how you want to live your life.

Go Be Awesome!